Hey everyone, I have some news. It's actually huge news and I'm nervous as hell.
Until recently I've been back and fourth in my mind with this decision. And I feel like I need to vent. So two days ago I reached out to a gender therapist and scheduled an appointment.
I'm terrified! I'm terrified that they will confirm my suspicions that I'm transgendered. I'm also terrified equally that they will tell me I'm not trans. Does that make any sense.
I have been suppressing these feeling for so long I feel like it's almost normal to feel numb. But talking to some people in my life from this community and my friend here at home has given me a new sense of reality. I've been fantasizing in my mind at the idea of just being myself. Just allowing myself to be me, whoever that may be..
I have concerns about my daughter. I have a little girl who is seven. She and I are super close. And I'm scared for what this will mean for her and I and our future. It also concerns me that I'm 34 and not a small petite man. The testosterone has been doing its thing for far too long.
I actually thought of self medicating years ago just to get that feeling of being someone else. The feeling of medamorphasis that lots of the girls describe. But it's so dangerous to self medicate and there is far too much to lose and leave behind. Besides, if I'm gonna start on hormones, I think it will be obvious to most people that I would be changing and the question goes to, why not just come out and do it right. But I'm not sure I am trans.. Although I'm pretty sure I am.
I'm not suicidal, nor do I feel depressed. I just feel empty. Like my time as who I am now has run it course and there no more I could do. Other times I feel like I'm living a lie and I am trying too hard to be who I'm not. Other times I feel like I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be. But it always fades.
So I want to start using this blog while I'm going through my self exploration to discuss gender issues. I want to get your insight on different topics. I know many of my friends in this wonderful community who have transitioned and they are brave and strong for doing it. They have endless advice to give and I'm willing to take it all to the bank.
My friend Danielle asked me the other day to name three things I love and cherish in my life. Naturally, I said my daughter, my new found health and my family/friends.
She paused as she teared up with a half cocked grin. Her words were never more pure and true.
She said, "You never mentioned yourself. You never put yourself, your actual self on the list. It's okay to self love as long as you truly see yourself and feel good."
She was right, not that I mind putting everyone in my life first but it's okay to put ourselves at the top of the list.
So in the most purest of ways, I feel like I'm doing that by making this appointment.
So I want to thank Dee and Dawn for everything. They have been great friends. I've never felt such a connection to people I've never met before in person. But if you could use people like them to describe our community and how we take care of each other, it would paint a perfect picture.
And I will still make captions but I really want to start using this blog for more. I want to discuss these topics and so much more.
Thank you everyone, and as always I hope you're all healthy and happy. Feel free to comment your thoughts. And I'll join in the discussion.
xoxoxo Katie Mills