Monday, April 4, 2016

Time for change

Hey everyone, I have some news. It's actually huge news and I'm nervous as hell. 
Until recently I've been back and fourth in my mind with this decision. And I feel like I need to vent. So two days ago I reached out to a gender therapist and scheduled an appointment.

I'm terrified! I'm terrified that they will confirm my suspicions that I'm transgendered. I'm also terrified equally that they will tell me I'm not trans. Does that make any sense.

I have been suppressing these feeling for so long I feel like it's almost normal to feel numb. But talking to some people in my life from this community and my friend here at home has given me a new sense of reality. I've  been fantasizing in my mind at the idea of just being myself. Just allowing myself to be me, whoever that may be..

I have concerns about my daughter. I have a little girl who is seven. She and I are super close. And I'm scared for what this will mean for her and I and our future. It also concerns me that I'm 34 and not a small petite man. The testosterone has been doing its thing for far too long. 

I actually thought of self medicating years ago just to get that feeling of being someone else. The feeling of medamorphasis that lots of the girls describe. But it's so dangerous to self medicate and there is far too much to lose and leave behind. Besides, if I'm gonna start on hormones, I think it will be obvious to most people that I would be changing and the question goes to, why not just come out and do it right. But I'm not sure I am trans.. Although I'm pretty sure I am.

I'm not suicidal, nor do I feel depressed. I just feel empty. Like my time as who I am now has run it course and there no more I could do. Other times I feel like I'm living a lie and I am trying too hard to be who I'm not. Other times I feel like I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be. But it always fades.


So I want to start using this blog while I'm going through my self exploration to discuss gender issues. I want to get your insight on different topics. I know many of my friends in this wonderful community who have transitioned and they are brave and strong for doing it. They have endless advice to give and I'm willing to take it all to the bank.

My friend Danielle asked me the other day to name three things I love and cherish in my life. Naturally, I said my daughter, my new found health and my family/friends.

She paused as she teared up with a half cocked grin. Her words were never more pure and true.

She said, "You never mentioned yourself. You never put yourself, your actual self on the list. It's okay to self love as long as you truly see yourself and feel good." 

She was right, not that I mind putting everyone in my life first but it's okay to put ourselves at the top of the list.

So in the most purest of ways, I feel like I'm doing that by making this appointment.

So I want to thank Dee and Dawn for everything. They have been great friends. I've never felt such a connection to people I've never met before in person. But if you could use people like them to describe our community and how we take care of each other, it would paint a perfect picture.

And I will still make captions but I really want to start using this blog for more. I want to discuss these topics and so much more.

Thank you everyone, and as always I hope you're all healthy and happy.  Feel free to comment your thoughts. And I'll join in the discussion.

xoxoxo Katie Mills

12 comments:

  1. It's funny that we are almost in the same boat,except no kid here. You're very fortunate you have someone in RL to talk to about this stuff. It's scary and lonely when you feel no one will understand. Anyway congratulations on the big step, you're very brave just by making an appointment in my opinion. Thank you to you and a bunch of other cappers. Reading this stuff helps me feel not so alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sue, you're not alone... And that's the main reason I want to start making my blog more about the real issues. We can talk about anything.

      And if you want to go to the next step, I promise I'll be right here for you. I know most of the girls at the Haven care as well. Reach out...

      Delete
  2. Congratulations on your next big steps. I too feel that I don't know if I'm trans or not. I feel comfortable when I dress but I don't do it as often as I would like because some people in my life may not see it the way I do which is that I am who I feel I should be at that moment in time. I found out that my niece is in transition and I have been in contact with him (yes he wants to identified as a he and not she). So now I have some one who I can be myself with and will not be judged, because when I'm dressed as his Aunt he refers to me as such. With me I am older than you (I'm 43) but I have never been married or have children so I still don't know what to do with my life. Do I stay male or start the process and become female? Maybe some more time with my nephew will help me make up my mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I understand Dan, and if the whole situation is anything, it's confusing. And your nephew is doing what I wish I did when I was younger. (I'm assuming he's younger than us.) And we all have our reasons why we didn't. Mine were that my parents were hardcore Catholic. And I feel like being trans is more acknowledged now than before. More talked about. It's still a difficult topic, especially with family. But it's a little bit more understood every day that goes by.

      Let's face it, when I was four or five it would've been hard to put together a power point on why I wanted to be a little girl instead when my parents had "God made you this way" on their side.

      Anyway, find what's holding you back. I found that you can make an appointment with a therapist where you talk over the phone. It's a baby step to make you feel more comfortable.And keep in mind that the therapist I made an appointment with specialises in Gender Therapy but she sees other patients as well. And she is very understanding to what I am feeling. But if I don't feel comfortable and we don't click I'm going to keep looking until I find a therapist I do feel comfortable with.

      But in the end, I obviously have some gender issues. I know I do. But I have no idea what that means. And the only way we can find these answers is by seeking them.

      Listen Dan, I get it. I do. And my age is a factor. But we get but 1 single life to live. And I already regret not doing this when I was younger now. I don't want to miss my chance. And your nephew has already done you a big service. He paved the way for you to start your journey. It's a topic that's already being discussed between your family so it may be a little easier.

      Any decisions you make, you can always come here where you're always welcome.And if he would be comfortable, your nephew is welcome here as well.

      xoxoxo Katie

      Delete
    2. Thank you for your encouragements. I had a wonderful time on Monday with my nephew. I got to be his Aunt for the day and we talked and I found out he has a whole network of friends who are in transition or have already transitioned. He has encouraged me to visit with him more and I will take him up on his offer. We are already planing on getting together for our birthdays (we are four days apart). His boyfriend is a cross-dresser like me and that helps with him understanding what I'm going through. I felt so inspired after my visit that I went out the next day for a shopping trip dressed. I can pass as a woman with no problems and very little effort. I had lost some weight this past year and I still have some for the flab that with the right under garments I look the part. I think now most of my problem is mental and I may ask him who he is seeing and if maybe they could see me as well. That will be for my next visit with him.

      xoxoxo Dani

      Delete
    3. Oh Dani, that's wonderful news. I'm so glad that your nephew and you are close enough that you have an outlet. At the very least you have someone to talk to. And that helps so much.

      And I'm glad you can pass the way you do. I wish I had the body for that. It's so important to be able to feel good in your skin and be so confident.

      And going out and shopping is amazing. I hope I can feel so comfortable in the future.

      I'm glad our discussion was inspiring. Keep me posted when you go on adventures and what you do for your birthday. I'd love to hear about it. :)

      xoxoxo Katie Mills

      Delete
  3. Good for you! I agree with Sue Do Nim you're brave at the time you made the appoinment. Good luck to you and everybody here 😊

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Rina. I appreciate it.

      I'm not brave, I'm just ready. I think it's a decision we all have to make at some point for people in our community.

      Believe me, I'm terrified.

      xoxoxo Katie

      Delete
  4. It really is a good idea to talk to a gender therapist at this point. I was able to talk with a psychiatrist nearly 10 years ago when my wife first learned I liked to crossdress. The psychiatrist felt that I was doing well to follow my desires. My wife thought she was full of shit, so that pretty much negated my continuing the visits. I am still keeping my crossdressing as hidden from my wife as I can but it does frustrate me to have to do so. It also limits my ability to enjoy myself by dressing more often. I hope you find the answers to your questions and make peace with yourself. I did tell my daughter of my crossdressing and she accepted it very well, She was in her thirties at teh time so it really doesn't relate to your situation.

    I will continue to look for your Captions since I find them very enjoyable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the comment Lauren.

      Im not sure how I relate. I have a closet full of female clothes. I have at least ten pairs of shoes. I have panties, Pantyhose, thigh highs, tights, camisole's etc. I have makeup Andi even have real silicone breast forms with bras to boot. But I haven't had the urge to dress up. Not in a long time. I enjoy dressing up and it certainly makes me feel feminine but I also feel like a fraud too. Like pretending isn't good enough.

      And my biggest fear is the doctor telling me I'm transgendered and even if I begin to transition, my masculine body will change slightly but it won't make me a petite pretty woman and I'll still feel like a fraud.

      Does that make any sense to anyone?

      Delete
    2. Hi Katie - Yes, your fear does make sense but you must be comfortable in your own skin. The therapist should help you immensely since your expectations of what you can physically become on hormones may be unrealistic. However, not all women are drop dead gorgeous but virtually all women are pretty/cute/attractive. The real key is confidence and how you "carry" yourself. Best of luck in your very brave quest.

      Delete